I feel compelled to write and share during this time for myself...and anyone else who might be interested. I've decided to start this blog as a tool to help me process and to have one place to share updates as I go. The trick is getting going. This is one of those times when the waves are hitting so fast and hard it’s hard to come up for breath enough to know where to even begin.
In October, in the midst of the beautiful trip Han & I took around the NW, we were simultaneously finding out that my mom had been diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. In the midst of so much beauty...we were feeling such extreme mixtures of emotions. Supporting her during this difficult time became the top priority.
At that point, we made the decision that I would move in with her...to help out and to enjoy our precious time together. After one more trip to Holland in January, I came home and got busy doing that. In the midst of this, I decided to go to the doctor to have him look at what I thought was a “frozen shoulder” that I’d had for months. He sent me for an MRI. One test led to another and, incomprehensibly, I have been diagnosed with Diffused Large Cell Lymphoma (a type of blood cancer). It is hopeful that it is completely curable. And for sure, it is completely scary!
At that point, we made the decision that I would move in with her...to help out and to enjoy our precious time together. After one more trip to Holland in January, I came home and got busy doing that. In the midst of this, I decided to go to the doctor to have him look at what I thought was a “frozen shoulder” that I’d had for months. He sent me for an MRI. One test led to another and, incomprehensibly, I have been diagnosed with Diffused Large Cell Lymphoma (a type of blood cancer). It is hopeful that it is completely curable. And for sure, it is completely scary!
This has all happened very fast. Last week I had a port put in and I start chemo on Friday. To have this all happen at once, in the midst of this pandemic has felt nothing short of surreal. My mom, Zack, and I were all supposed to be in Holland right now for a really special Spring trip. It is so difficult to put our minds around being slammed by these crazy waves we didn’t see coming.
In some ways this feels like the worst possible timing. In other ways, there are some silver linings to it, the biggest being that we’re here together and Zack is able to be here with us, too. As timing would have it, he’s between lives (moving from Billings to San Francisco) but on leave until the “shelter in place” policy is lifted. It’s hard to imagine what we would do without his help right now, when friends and family can’t come over as they would any other time.
I’m also grateful for all the inner tools I’ve been cultivating over these last years. I heard a talk recently, that in times of crisis you get to see if your house is built on sand or a solid foundation. I’ve worked deligently in these last years to build that solid foundation and although I’m scared and overwhelmed....I can feel it there and trust that it will hold me steady. The biggest comfort is my total trust in the old Pema quote, I've shared with so many of you, “You are the sky. Everything else-it’s just the weather.” After stormy skies....the sun always follows. It is nature’s way and I have total faith in that.
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I know this is a crazy time for everybody reading this. Wishing for each of you to stay safe and healthy. I can’t wait until we’re all on the other side of this surreal time. We will have so much celebrating to do!
I know this is a crazy time for everybody reading this. Wishing for each of you to stay safe and healthy. I can’t wait until we’re all on the other side of this surreal time. We will have so much celebrating to do!
