Wednesday, October 21, 2020

Rollercoaster

Time for a quick update. My radiation is well under way. I've completed six out of the seventeen sessions. I've gotten into a rhythm of driving into Seattle each day and am lucky that it's at a quiet time of day traffic wise.

The oncologist says they are targeting a big area on my arm in hopes of deterring all the cancer cells for a very long time. I feel like I'm in good hands and I am very grateful for that.

My hair is continuing to come back more and more each day.  I am very proud of it....and never thought I'd be so thrilled to have short hair....which now feels long. It is definitely all relative!! ;)

 12 weeks post chemo

Mom and I continue to support one another during this crazy time. She has been having weekly chemo sessions which seem to be helping in that the tumor in her lung hasn't grown bigger. But, there is still pain involved for her and it's a trick to find the right mixture of pain medication to ease her discomfort (and not make matters worse!). She's doing a great job of taking things day by day....appreciating the little things and listening to her body when it needs extra rest.

I've been having fun scanning old photos lately!
                                              
After almost 7 months off of work, Zack got the call that he could start training in San Francisco so has moved there and is getting settled. He's experimenting with living in the heart of the city and has found a place with a few roommates. What a big change from Billings! He will have fun exploring it all. The city is truly his oyster! Here is the view from his room:

And I leave for Holland in just a couple weeks. Always, my light at the end of the tunnel. Han and I have been busy making plans and if all turns out we will have some really happy news to share next month.

How is that for suspense?

Love to you all!

❤️

It feels like this Dutch artist must've written it just for us.💘
               

Wednesday, October 7, 2020

Life Lessons Continued

Thanks so much for all the messages sharing in my happiness that the chemo had done its job. It was (and IS) such good news. It's the best news I could've gotten, and I am so grateful for that.

But, to be honest, the days since then have been some of the most difficult for me, emotionally. I had really felt like if I could just get through this recommended course of treatment (successfully!), I could get back to my normal healthy self.

The conversation I had (the day after I received my good news) with the radiology oncologist was sobering. He explained things very directly: that while a "complete response" from chemo is great news--it means there is no detectable cancer-- it doesn't mean you're "cured".  As I then read somewhere, "cure is only known in retrospect and the only test that allows us to tell if someone is cured or not is the test of time."

This truth has hit me hard. The finish line, I'd been so focused on, isn't as solid a line as I'd hoped it would be. I hadn't wanted to think that far ahead. So, there has been some unexpected grief mixed into my relief these last couple weeks. I talked to my doctor this morning and he reassured me that it is not unusal to feel this way at this stage of the journey. It just caught me by surprise. (How timely that The New York Times published an article on this very phenomenon yesterday, relating it to the uncertainty of our times.)

I had my port removed last week and I begin radiation next week. I'll go in every day for almost three weeks. Since the cancer first started in my right arm and involved some bone, they want to make sure there are no microscopic cancer cells left. Of course, I'm all for that. And in the end, I'm reassured that the statistics are in my favor. There is a great chance that this will be my last treatment and that I can go on to live happily and healthily from here on out.


In delightful news, after months apart due to the virus, Isabel has come home for a visit! 
We've missed her so much and it's so great to be reunited at last. 
She has fallen in love with living in California so will continue living down there with her dad while taking community college classes online.
 I am so proud of how she has moved through this crazy time with such resilience!



My hair is also returning. 
It's like watching an Amaryllis grow: I can see the difference each day. 
I've decided to document it. ;)

9 weeks post chemo

And on November 6th, I fly back to Holland; back to Han, which makes me very happy.


I will continue working to see life through this lens, striving to embrace the "delicious ambiguity".
❤️