Mom's 79th Verjaardag

I'm way behind on my blog. It has been a full summer and I really want to share it here. And I will.

But, because today is such a sacred holiday to me....I need to take the time to shout to the world: 

Today is Mom's 79th birthday!

I don't need it to be her birthday to celebrate her. I celebrate her every day...with every beat of my heart. But, it is a day to stop and commemorate the fact that this remarkable woman was born (79 years ago!). And while my grief is great (there is so much to miss!) it is a good day to contemplate how lucky I am to have her for my mother.

I know she'd be so happy to know that all of her kids and grandkids gathered here in Holland just a few weeks ago. Each of us missing her so much, but carrying on-because we have no other choice-and because we so want to honor her as we move forward in life....creating new normals of connection and family love. Values she modeled to us and gifted us as long as we can remember.

 Happy 79th Birthday, Mom. 

We are celebrating you today with all our hearts.

One Year Anniversary!

 Our wedding song was “Rollercoaster” and it has truly captured the last couple years for us. 

So, there was a real poignancy in celebrating our first anniversary.

To celebrate we decided to travel to the beautiful town of Amersfoort for a few days.

It is just an hour from here-but time out together is a real treat.

Sinterklass's clothes hanging out to dry!

Amersfoort got it’s “city rights” in 1259 so everywhere you look, you see history.

      We stayed at the Lange Jan Hotel right in the town center.

It was a wonderful homebase.

We loved looking out at the town square and being able to hear the tower bells chime.

 

 

My attention span has been almost non-existent these last months, and funnily enough, even though I’m not a big cook, I’ve been most drawn to watching cooking shows, like “Top Chef”. So, I’ve gained an appreciation for all that goes into being a really high level chef. Because of this, we were inspired to spend our anniversary evening at a restaurant that had a Michelin Star. We were able to walk to it from our hotel and it was a real treat. We had a seven course vegetarian “tasting menu” so each dish was a surprise. They were also each little works of art. It was so delicious and a very special way to celebrate on a cold day.

Walking home afterwards it was special to see the Koppelpoort (built in the 1300’s!) all lit up at night.

On our last morning we awoke to a flower market that had been set up right below us.

Such beautiful flowers! And the prices of them here are so low compared to the U.S.

Only 15 euros ($17) for this giant bouquet!

We loaded up with as much as we could carry on our way out. ;)

Since our anniversary landed onThanksgiving, my heart was in many places. It's truly an American holiday so not celebrated here. But, I was sure thinking of  happy Thanksgiving past…

…and all the people that mean so much to me, who are spread out all over the world (and universe!).

So thankful for the man I married and to each of you reading this right now.

Here’s hoping the rollercoaster slows way down in the coming year.

❤️

                            

Six Month Check

A quick update to share that I had my six month post chemo follow up today and everything continues to look great. Words can't express my sense of relief. I've been reflecting on the fact that it was almost a year ago exactly that I was first diagnosed. Incredible!

What an intense month it has been: with my mom going on hospice and this appointment looming. Hearing this good news today helps so much...as does the fact that Mom's pain is currently under control (thanks to her radiation treatment and finding the right balance with her medications). 

A couple weeks ago, I took a lil' time away to return to Vashon Island. 

The hope of Spring's arrival also did my spirit good!

My hair continues to grow in. It's amazing that it takes six months to grow to this point when starting from scratch. It feels like it's starting to speed up lately. I never thought I'd feel so grateful for HAIR. 

I have a ticket to fly to Han at the end of the month. Mom is my biggest cheerleader to stick with these plans. I can't wait AND it's hard to think of leaving, all at the same time. But we all feel it's important to keep making plans. I know when I do go, it will be a good opportunity for Mom & Eric (and his family) to spend special time together, too. It's nice that we can be flexible and continue to take things as they come.

Till next time...

❤️

Life Lessons Continued

Thanks so much for all the messages sharing in my happiness that the chemo had done its job. It was (and IS) such good news. It's the best news I could've gotten, and I am so grateful for that.

But, to be honest, the days since then have been some of the most difficult for me, emotionally. I had really felt like if I could just get through this recommended course of treatment (successfully!), I could get back to my normal healthy self.

The conversation I had (the day after I received my good news) with the radiology oncologist was sobering. He explained things very directly: that while a "complete response" from chemo is great news--it means there is no detectable cancer-- it doesn't mean you're "cured".  As I then read somewhere, "cure is only known in retrospect and the only test that allows us to tell if someone is cured or not is the test of time."

This truth has hit me hard. The finish line, I'd been so focused on, isn't as solid a line as I'd hoped it would be. I hadn't wanted to think that far ahead. So, there has been some unexpected grief mixed into my relief these last couple weeks. I talked to my doctor this morning and he reassured me that it is not unusal to feel this way at this stage of the journey. It just caught me by surprise. (How timely that The New York Times published an article on this very phenomenon yesterday, relating it to the uncertainty of our times.)

I had my port removed last week and I begin radiation next week. I'll go in every day for almost three weeks. Since the cancer first started in my right arm and involved some bone, they want to make sure there are no microscopic cancer cells left. Of course, I'm all for that. And in the end, I'm reassured that the statistics are in my favor. There is a great chance that this will be my last treatment and that I can go on to live happily and healthily from here on out.

In delightful news, after months apart due to the virus, Isabel has come home for a visit! 

We've missed her so much and it's so great to be reunited at last. 

She has fallen in love with living in California so will continue living down there with her dad while taking community college classes online.

 I am so proud of how she has moved through this crazy time with such resilience!

My hair is also returning. 

It's like watching an Amaryllis grow: I can see the difference each day. 

I've decided to document it. ;)

9 weeks post chemo

And on November 6th, I fly back to Holland; back to Han, which makes me very happy.

I will continue working to see life through this lens, striving to embrace the "delicious ambiguity".

❤️

An Arm and Reunion(!) Update

I am so happy to be able to share more good news today. 

I met with my orthopedic specialist this morning for my eight week check on my arm and he said it is healing really well. The X-rays showed a huge difference in the calcification of the breaks. So much so, that he said I no longer need to wear the compression brace that I've been wearing 24 hours/day for the last two months. They had predicted it would take 12 weeks to get to this point, so it feels like a wonderful gift to be ahead of schedule.

Thank you, Erin, for the gift of our own pot of African Daisies. They spark so much joy!

I'm also (even more) excited to share that Han and I have booked our reunion, with my oncologist's blessing. Since both of our countries are closed to each other, we're having to be creative. A few weeks after my last infusion, we will fly to meet each other in Iceland! They are being super careful with visitors, testing everyone for Covid upon arrival. We have our campervan rented and just knowing this is coming up makes all the difference! 

UPDATE: As of July 1st, Iceland has joined the rest of the EU in holding off on welcoming Americans due to our high rates of Covid. This new guideline will be re-evaluated every two weeks. Han and I are hopeful that in the next seven weeks, things will change and the trip will still work out but are having to accept that it may not. Not knowing is not easy. Back to “trusting the process”. Feeling like we’re being forced into a Masterclass on this subject right now.

Thank goodness for video chatting:
 helping us us feel close during these unexpected months apart!

The light at the end of the tunnel has definitely been growing brighter and brighter. Feeling so, so grateful today!❤️❤️❤️

Stepping Outside Our Bubble and an Arm Update

These last years, I have been BUSY...either traveling or looking forward to traveling. With this abrupt slow down, I realize how important it has been for my peace of mind to have fun trips planned. It's a tool that has always gotten me through the gray days. Since the big trip I'm dying to take is on hold, I've decided that I still need to make mini-trips a priority. Even in this age of Covid. Even when I'm undergoing treatment. Mental health is important, too! I'm also realizing how important it is to take advantage of these days when I'm feeling GOOD and my appetite returns to give myself permission to eat whatever strikes my fancy. There has to be perks to this chemo deal.

To that end, yesterday, Zack & I drove 45 minutes north and took the ferry to Whidbey Island  to have lunch at our favorite pizza place in the world: Village Pizzeria . It checked all of the boxes that needed checking: a safe trip, beauty at every turn, incredible weather, special time together, and delicious pizza!

It's so fascinating to see how much has changed during this crazy time....no traffic, most people in masks, orders to stay in the car on the ferry. It feels in some ways that we've stepped into a dystopian world. How can the world have changed so much, so quickly? I know it's a feeling we're all sharing.

At the same time, it was heartening to see the positive adaptations that have been made. We were able to get our pizza at the walk up window and take it down to a picnic table on the beach. Our only lunch companions were some baby bunnies snacking nearby. We wore our masks around town. Even the statues had masks. 

The mountains were still out, the eagles were still flying by, and the flowers were still blooming. And the pesto pizza was as good as we knew it would be. How reassuring.

It was such a restorative day.

 I recommend this day trip to all locals!

(And if you go, I want to hear all about it!)

As beautiful as it was, I am counting on this, in a myriad of ways.

~~~~~

Today I had a follow up appointment and X-rays with the orthopedic doctor who said my arm is healing faster than expected! It has been four weeks since that fateful day and he said the healing looks like they would expect it to at six weeks. I was so hoping he'd say this since I've felt like it was doing much better. I will wear the compression brace for another four weeks and will start physical therapy for it soon. It makes me feel in awe of how our bodies can heal after trauma...how my body has healed in these last four weeks with all it is going through.

Tomorrow is my 3rd infusion. I will meet with the oncologist and we will schedule the mid-way MRI to see how the chemotherapy is working. I am excited and terrified for this test result all at the same time. Most of all, I am hopeful. If there is such a thing as willing good news into reality, I am on top of it.

What is this flower?! I want to plant it EVERYWHERE!

So thankful to each of you...

for your love, support, and encouragement. 

❤️