Memorial Day

"...you realize that grief is perhaps the last and final translation of love. I think this is the last act of loving someone. And you realize it will never end.You get to translate this act of love for the rest of your life."~Ocean Vuong

Honoring Mom today and every day.

3 years

 I haven’t written here in exactly a year. To be honest, without my biggest fan, it has been hard to find the motivation. Plus, life has felt so complex…beauty, sorrow, happiness, and grief all blurred together for the last few years. But, I really do miss blogging. It has always been such a gift to myself to document life and feel the connection with each of you.

Photo by Zack: 3/28/24

So in honor of this sacred anniversary, in honor of Mom, I am committed to beginning again.

To that end, I have to share this video that has meant so much to me. Out of all the things I’ve come across, this message resonates and comforts me the most.

https://youtube.com/shorts/OdsSMtnsuxQ?si=eFEXZvXMV2DcQ1x_

“So many of our favorite parts of ourself happen when we’re trying to be closer to our favorite people. And I feel close to my mom when I’m doing @#%! I want to tell her about. And I do a lot of things because I want to tell her about it.”~JP Saxe

Gail Ann Murchison Beck

8/21/43-4/1/21

❤❤❤

Mom's 79th Verjaardag

I'm way behind on my blog. It has been a full summer and I really want to share it here. And I will.

But, because today is such a sacred holiday to me....I need to take the time to shout to the world: 

Today is Mom's 79th birthday!

I don't need it to be her birthday to celebrate her. I celebrate her every day...with every beat of my heart. But, it is a day to stop and commemorate the fact that this remarkable woman was born (79 years ago!). And while my grief is great (there is so much to miss!) it is a good day to contemplate how lucky I am to have her for my mother.

I know she'd be so happy to know that all of her kids and grandkids gathered here in Holland just a few weeks ago. Each of us missing her so much, but carrying on-because we have no other choice-and because we so want to honor her as we move forward in life....creating new normals of connection and family love. Values she modeled to us and gifted us as long as we can remember.

 Happy 79th Birthday, Mom. 

We are celebrating you today with all our hearts.

Our Sacred Memorial Day

 How can it be a whole year already?

It feels utterly surreal for that to be true.

Missing Mom more than can be expressed.

Carrying her in our hearts with every beat,

striving to honor her 

and move through life in ways that we know would make her happy.

That is the best we can do.

To that end, I’m happy to share that the Legacy Bench, which so many of you generously contributed to is being installed this very week. This has been in the works for many months, so the timing feels remarkable! While we had originally planned on having one at the Bellevue Botanical Gardens, they didn’t put plaques on the benches-which felt important.

So after much deliberation, we decided on a bench at the: Mercer Slough Nature Park

Mom would love this spot. Only 15 minutes from home and in an area that she would really visit. The bench is overlooking the water (slough) on the Heritage Loop Trail. Depending on where you park, it can be a short or long walk to get to it. Or you can even canoe up to it as there is a little boat dock nearby. You can see the location marked in red in the photo below.

Just as I was posting this blogpost, photos arrived! The Bellevue Parks Department were so wonderful to work with and unbelievably, it turns out my cousin’s partner was one of the people who installed it!  For that to happen and to have it “unveiled” today for the first time feels extra meaningful and special!

We’re so grateful that those who love her made this possible. What a comfort to think of friends and family visiting here. I can’t wait to see your photos and to visit myself. I will be bringing some heart rocks with me when I do!

What a gift to have this happen on this poignant day.

It turned out just as we’d hoped!

Mom would love it….and it feels so good to know that.

❤️

We’ve already had our first visitor.

Our cousin Erin sent these photos. 

She said before she left, 

that a Canadian Goose flew overhead.

❤️❤️❤️

Happy Mother's Day

On this tender Mother's Day, 

I received the best possible gift in the world:

all four kids, Aidan, Isabel, Zack, & Eli with me for the day!

We spent the day here at Mom's/Nana's house.

Even while her physical absence leaves such an indescribable ache,

her loving energy is here....

allowing us to laugh and walk the dogs, and make her famous tostados--

knowing it's exactly how she'd want it to be.

Reading through the cards and keepsakes she saved from each of us,

her presence, devotion and caring shine through.

I'm so glad I told her (in more than one card)

that she has always been the "wind beneath my wings".

Nothing has changed in that regard.

We carry your heart with us. We carry it in our hearts.

My first photo with Mom.

❤️

Life, Continued.....

After four weeks away, I've arrived back to Mom's. It was a very unique trip this time: taking in all the beauty (and new life!) of Spring in Holland and at the same time, trying to wrap my mind around our new reality. I'm still having a hard time articulating the complex array of emotions bubbling up during this unprecedented time. Words just aren't enough sometimes, are they? 

So, for now, here are some photos.

The Mill standing in "grief".

Tulips in bloom- about a mile from the Mill.

And hyacinths, too.

We visited the Zaan Schans a couple times (about 25 minutes from Han's) to pick up some paint at this mill that grinds its own paint pigment! This can be really crowded with tourists normally so it was a treat to go with things so quiet.

Babies everywhere

Even from the livingroom window!

I was glad to be there to celebrate Han on his 55th Birthday!🎈

Beautiful sunset from the second floor of the Mill looking towards town:

On my last day, we started "Mom's Garden"...with plants gifted from Han's parents and a special cherry tree from his sister and family. I know Mom would love this. Also, Mom would enjoy the chickens being there and so interested. She raised this same friendly breed for many years. 

What a coincidence!

Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,

As close to us as we are to ourselves.

~

Let us not look for you only in memory,

Where we would grow lonely without you.

You would want us to find you in presence,

Beside us when beauty brightens,

When kindness glows

And music echoes eternal tones.

~John O'Donohue

Mom wearing a favorite t-shirt (1975)

Another flashback: Mom & Isabel and her happy chickens! (2010)

~~~~

Thankful for the gift of this time.

Now, Eric and I will tend to the practical, the best we can. 

Han will be joining me here at the end of the month which will be a comfort (and big help!).

 That's about as far as we can see, right now. 

Thanks so much for the cards and messages of caring support. 

It truly means so much to us all.