Memorial Day

"...you realize that grief is perhaps the last and final translation of love. I think this is the last act of loving someone. And you realize it will never end.You get to translate this act of love for the rest of your life."~Ocean Vuong

Honoring Mom today and every day.

3 years

 I haven’t written here in exactly a year. To be honest, without my biggest fan, it has been hard to find the motivation. Plus, life has felt so complex…beauty, sorrow, happiness, and grief all blurred together for the last few years. But, I really do miss blogging. It has always been such a gift to myself to document life and feel the connection with each of you.

Photo by Zack: 3/28/24

So in honor of this sacred anniversary, in honor of Mom, I am committed to beginning again.

To that end, I have to share this video that has meant so much to me. Out of all the things I’ve come across, this message resonates and comforts me the most.

https://youtube.com/shorts/OdsSMtnsuxQ?si=eFEXZvXMV2DcQ1x_

“So many of our favorite parts of ourself happen when we’re trying to be closer to our favorite people. And I feel close to my mom when I’m doing @#%! I want to tell her about. And I do a lot of things because I want to tell her about it.”~JP Saxe

Gail Ann Murchison Beck

8/21/43-4/1/21

❤❤❤

Our Sacred Memorial Day

 How can it be a whole year already?

It feels utterly surreal for that to be true.

Missing Mom more than can be expressed.

Carrying her in our hearts with every beat,

striving to honor her 

and move through life in ways that we know would make her happy.

That is the best we can do.

To that end, I’m happy to share that the Legacy Bench, which so many of you generously contributed to is being installed this very week. This has been in the works for many months, so the timing feels remarkable! While we had originally planned on having one at the Bellevue Botanical Gardens, they didn’t put plaques on the benches-which felt important.

So after much deliberation, we decided on a bench at the: Mercer Slough Nature Park

Mom would love this spot. Only 15 minutes from home and in an area that she would really visit. The bench is overlooking the water (slough) on the Heritage Loop Trail. Depending on where you park, it can be a short or long walk to get to it. Or you can even canoe up to it as there is a little boat dock nearby. You can see the location marked in red in the photo below.

Just as I was posting this blogpost, photos arrived! The Bellevue Parks Department were so wonderful to work with and unbelievably, it turns out my cousin’s partner was one of the people who installed it!  For that to happen and to have it “unveiled” today for the first time feels extra meaningful and special!

We’re so grateful that those who love her made this possible. What a comfort to think of friends and family visiting here. I can’t wait to see your photos and to visit myself. I will be bringing some heart rocks with me when I do!

What a gift to have this happen on this poignant day.

It turned out just as we’d hoped!

Mom would love it….and it feels so good to know that.

❤️

We’ve already had our first visitor.

Our cousin Erin sent these photos. 

She said before she left, 

that a Canadian Goose flew overhead.

❤️❤️❤️

An Update from Here

I had to look at the calendar to double check that its only been six weeks since I arrived back in Holland.  I can't quite believe that. This time has felt almost surreal: an abrupt switch to quietness after a period of such intenseness. 

Feeling the pull to find a sense of equilibrium after such a period of disequilibrium. 

While it's, of course, what I want, it's also a (not too unexpected) challenge: the feelings of grief, loss, and groundlessness are rising up strongly now that things have slowed down. 

No way around, only through.

I am grateful that I truly trust this.

Since I've been here, I had my first appointment with the village doctor, who referred me to a specialist. I love that the local doctor is so close (shown below on the left) just a short walk away from the Mill.

She referred me to an oncologist in Alkmaar and we met with him this week. I liked him very much. It's hard to express the strangeness of having to check in with a doctor to find out how my body is doing. But, I was happily reassured by blood test results and with his confidence in my body's recovery. I will see him regularly for the next four years. Now I can breath a bit deeper...at least until the next blood tests and appointment in March.

On a lighter note, I'm also taking steps to get established here on my own. I've found a Dutch language teacher, I'm signing up for driving classes to get my Dutch driver's license, and found a local grief counselor. Each step feels like a big one. Finding a local hairdresser I'm happy with (and having the hair to work with) feels like a cause for celebration!

I'm finding my footing, little by little. 

That's how it goes, eh?

That's it for now.

Sending love from here.

❤️

4 Months

It has been four months since we last hugged Mom. 

I know we're all doing as well as can be...and at the same time, for me, there is a rapid river of grief raging right below the surface.

~~~~

Since my last update (just a few weeks ago)...so much has happened.

Mom's house went on the market.

I left for Holland on the 16th. 

Zack joined us for his two week vacation a day later.

Downtown Alkmaar

On the 21st, we went to Amsterdam to make my Dutch residency official. (It felt remarkable that the day I picked up my residency card happened to land on my Dad's birthday. He immigrated from Europe when he was in his late teens. Such a full circle moment.)

Celebration lunch with our friend, Annette, from Germany joining us.

We filled the two weeks with Zack here full as could be, 

sharing the beauty of this area--that he first introduced me to. 

He is a natural Nederlander!

So hard to choose which photos to share but here is a sampling:

~~~~

He left just a couple days ago. A few hours later, we accepted an offer on Mom's house from  a couple who wrote a beautiful letter about how much they love it. Just what we were hoping for. I'll spend another week here before heading back to Seattle to take care of loose ends. Han will join me soon after. We look forward to celebrating Mom's life with family and friends and will continue our celebration as a family with a trip to Kauai--a place that Mom loved and where we had a beautiful time together (just!) four years ago.

Upon our return, Han and I are planning on taking a road trip down the California coast to visit Zack and Aidan in San Francisco....and Isabel down in Long Beach (where I was born!). Another full circle feeling. If all goes smoothly, we will fly from California to Amsterdam at the end of September and I will feel officially "moved".

Whew!

~~~~

It is a real comfort to me to think of life as a series of chapters. Each one so important. So when you turn a page, it's not really an ending but just a continuation of the story. And you can look back at the richness of each chapter, knowing that they are fundamental to this present moment...and all that lies ahead. 

That's it for now. Hope to see many of you soon.

❤️

Transition Time (& Glamping!)

After a month here, and helping so much, Han took off back to the Mill last week. Now I'm here on my own for a bit, tying up loose ends before joining him next week.

We were able to get so much done while he was here--and we took a weekend out to travel to Whidbey Island for our first "glamping" experience. It was pretty special.

Now it is truly countdown time. If all goes smoothly, I'll be departing here on the 16th to join Han (and Zack-who will be there on vacation) in Alkmaar. I'll be leaving the keys of Mom's house with the realtor (that she picked out!). I've had to be very mindful of what I'm going to ship to Holland and I've narrowed it down to about 200 cubic feet worth of stuff: things of mine (and Mom's!) that most spark joy. This has not been easy. As Mom's dear friend, Sue, said in a recent text: "you have a big job breaking camp". That is true--and a comforting way to look at it.

And, as I go through the things, and papers, and photos...the biggest thing that stands out is truly the love I have been gifted my entire life: from my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my great grandparents, friends, and extended family. I can feel it in the momentos, in the letters written (and the letters kept). I can see it in the photos, that trigger so many happy memories. And I can feel it surrounding me during this tender time. 

Nothing can take that away. And if I couldn't take a physical thing with me, I would always have that. 

I will always have that.

Thanks for the special card, J.T...and for your insight that was spot on:

Mom truly did "inhale life and exhale love".

❤️