Transition Time (& Glamping!)

After a month here, and helping so much, Han took off back to the Mill last week. Now I'm here on my own for a bit, tying up loose ends before joining him next week.

We were able to get so much done while he was here--and we took a weekend out to travel to Whidbey Island for our first "glamping" experience. It was pretty special.

Now it is truly countdown time. If all goes smoothly, I'll be departing here on the 16th to join Han (and Zack-who will be there on vacation) in Alkmaar. I'll be leaving the keys of Mom's house with the realtor (that she picked out!). I've had to be very mindful of what I'm going to ship to Holland and I've narrowed it down to about 200 cubic feet worth of stuff: things of mine (and Mom's!) that most spark joy. This has not been easy. As Mom's dear friend, Sue, said in a recent text: "you have a big job breaking camp". That is true--and a comforting way to look at it.

And, as I go through the things, and papers, and photos...the biggest thing that stands out is truly the love I have been gifted my entire life: from my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my great grandparents, friends, and extended family. I can feel it in the momentos, in the letters written (and the letters kept). I can see it in the photos, that trigger so many happy memories. And I can feel it surrounding me during this tender time. 

Nothing can take that away. And if I couldn't take a physical thing with me, I would always have that. 

I will always have that.

Thanks for the special card, J.T...and for your insight that was spot on:

Mom truly did "inhale life and exhale love".

❤️

Grief & Celebration

It has been great to a have Han here. He’s been a big help in every way. And its been hard. I’m beginning to un-numb and I’m having to face the reality of what it means to miss Mom in this new way. It’s like a part of me could believe she was away on a trip, like many times before—and I’m ready for her to come back now. As a loved one said, who has been through it before me, “your mind understands but your heart is screaming”. Exactly.

But, as we do: I’m putting one foot in front of the other….

To that end, a few days ago, I had my three month health check up with the oncologist. He had good news: all my bloodwork numbers look good. This felt huge since I have no back up plan for any other news!

And then this morning, we got news we’ve been waiting for, for the last six months: my Dutch residency has been approved! It wasn’t a sure thing, even though we are married, so this is really something to celebrate!

Two huge hurdles, cleared. To say it is a relief, is a giant understatement. By the end of the summer, after being married for nine months, I will officially be moving to Holland to join my husband.  Wow….it’s hard to believe. 

In preparation, and to honor Mom’s wishes, we are getting her house ready to sell. This is a big undertaking and much more emotional than I’d even anticipated. We moved into this house when I was 11. 43 years ago. So many memories woven in. Most of them involving Mom. Although this last year has been unbelievably tough, I'm so grateful for the time spent here, enjoying it together. 

Mom gave each of us and her grandchildren one of these little paintings, 

knowing in advance that this would be hard on us all. 

So, there is a mixture of things going on right now….loss and growth, hand in hand, as always. 

And especially intense, in this instance. 

Continuing to count on this.

❤️

                                                                            

Almost Two Months

Seems like the right time for a little check in....to thank you for your caring and support and to let you know that we're doing as well as we can be in dealing with life on its new terms.

I've spent this last month here at Mom's house beginning (or rather, continuing) the process of letting go. She has a puzzle table up in her room and this reminds me of that. It's like she's completed the puzzle of her beautiful life...and now it's up to me to gently and lovingly begin to take it apart. No easy feat. Its been a connector with her, though, and a way I've channeled my grief: to really edit things down to the most meaningful. And Mom's house was nothing if not meaningful! 

The cards and messages we've received have meant so much...as have the many generous contributions to the "Legacy Bench" which will be placed in her honor at the botanical gardens. 

She would be so touched!

Her yard is currently like a botanical garden. She planted the giant "golden chain" tree when it was just tiny. It is really glorious.

The other day, something really moving happened. For the past 32 years (!), Serem, has worked on Mom's yard for her. He's taken care of the big stuff so she could tend to the smaller stuff. They've been a great team and she always appreciated how he'd go above and beyond. He knew her parents and her kids and her grandkids (and many of her family and friends). Anyway, the other evening, I looked out the window and there he was. He had brought two big bouquets of roses and put one in the front yard and one in the back and proceeded to do a very personal Buddhist ritual. He lit a candle and stayed until it burned all the way down. I went out and joined him and we shed some tears and hugged--and it was just so special to me.

And later today, Han arrives for the month of June. So thankful for that. We will work together and begin winding life up here as I prepare for my next chapter, which will be living in Holland. I so wish that I could begin that chapter with Mom here as a home base. But, it is a comfort to feel like with every step I'm taking, Mom would approve. Knowing I'm doing just what she'd want me to do is my guiding light.

❤️❤️❤️

Happy Mother's Day

On this tender Mother's Day, 

I received the best possible gift in the world:

all four kids, Aidan, Isabel, Zack, & Eli with me for the day!

We spent the day here at Mom's/Nana's house.

Even while her physical absence leaves such an indescribable ache,

her loving energy is here....

allowing us to laugh and walk the dogs, and make her famous tostados--

knowing it's exactly how she'd want it to be.

Reading through the cards and keepsakes she saved from each of us,

her presence, devotion and caring shine through.

I'm so glad I told her (in more than one card)

that she has always been the "wind beneath my wings".

Nothing has changed in that regard.

We carry your heart with us. We carry it in our hearts.

My first photo with Mom.

❤️

Life, Continued.....

After four weeks away, I've arrived back to Mom's. It was a very unique trip this time: taking in all the beauty (and new life!) of Spring in Holland and at the same time, trying to wrap my mind around our new reality. I'm still having a hard time articulating the complex array of emotions bubbling up during this unprecedented time. Words just aren't enough sometimes, are they? 

So, for now, here are some photos.

The Mill standing in "grief".

Tulips in bloom- about a mile from the Mill.

And hyacinths, too.

We visited the Zaan Schans a couple times (about 25 minutes from Han's) to pick up some paint at this mill that grinds its own paint pigment! This can be really crowded with tourists normally so it was a treat to go with things so quiet.

Babies everywhere

Even from the livingroom window!

I was glad to be there to celebrate Han on his 55th Birthday!🎈

Beautiful sunset from the second floor of the Mill looking towards town:

On my last day, we started "Mom's Garden"...with plants gifted from Han's parents and a special cherry tree from his sister and family. I know Mom would love this. Also, Mom would enjoy the chickens being there and so interested. She raised this same friendly breed for many years. 

What a coincidence!

Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,

As close to us as we are to ourselves.

~

Let us not look for you only in memory,

Where we would grow lonely without you.

You would want us to find you in presence,

Beside us when beauty brightens,

When kindness glows

And music echoes eternal tones.

~John O'Donohue

Mom wearing a favorite t-shirt (1975)

Another flashback: Mom & Isabel and her happy chickens! (2010)

~~~~

Thankful for the gift of this time.

Now, Eric and I will tend to the practical, the best we can. 

Han will be joining me here at the end of the month which will be a comfort (and big help!).

 That's about as far as we can see, right now. 

Thanks so much for the cards and messages of caring support. 

It truly means so much to us all.

Following Up

Thanks to all of you who have reached out with your love and support. I know you share in our grief and the rollercoaster of emotions that are coming up. 

I ended up flying to Holland on Sunday, the place I can feel most comforted during this tender time. My brother Eric's son, Riley, is taking good care of Nana's house and the animals while I am away for the month, giving me the chance to begin to process the profound before tackling the practical.

Eric did a wonderful job writing Mom's obituary, which is such an incredible task. There is no way to sum up her beautiful, rich life in a few paragraphs, but he captured so much.

https://www.flintofts.com/obituaries/Gail-Ann-Beck?obId=20653226#/celebrationWall

In my heart, she is there, as always.

It still doesn't feel real....no matter how much time we've had to prepare.

 

We are thinking at this point that it would be meaningful to celebrate her life on her birthday: August 21st. We're not sure of anything else but we hope you can save that date. We know there will be so many stories to tell and hugs to share. It is a great gift to have a mom who is so beloved. We feel that spilling over onto us and we appreciate it more than you can know.

❤️

Heartache and Gratitude

It is with relief that she is no longer suffering and with heartbreak at how much we will miss her, that I have to share our world altering news: Mom died peacefully, at home, last night.

We would give anything for her to have years left to share with us but since that wasn't in the cards we were dealt, we are so grateful that she was able to die in the way she had hoped: quickly and peacefully in her own bed surrounded with love. With an incredible hospice team supporting us, Eric and I were able to be beside her holding her hands till the end. She was able to say a special goodbye to each of her beloved grandchildren and it was a great comfort to her, to feel like she had left no stone unturned in her affection for each of her many dear friends and family members.

This last 18 months since her diagnosis has been both beautiful and brutal. She made it look a lot easier than it was. The nurse shared that most people dealing with as much pain and medication as Mom would be nowhere near as active as she's been, especially these last months. She didn't want me to say how brave and strong she was on previous blogposts....but now I get to: she was incredibly, unbelievably brave and strong!!! She lived life to the very fullest for as long as she possibly could.

While we feel such relief that she is at peace, to wake up in a world without her feels utterly disorientating. I know we are not alone in feeling this way and we also know that we will not be alone as we learn to live with these waves of grief.

We talked with her about it and she loved the idea of a "celebration of life" in the summertime. I can only imagine how meaningful it will be to celebrate and connect over our common bond of love for her. 

I will share more soon...there's so much more I want to say about how lucky I am to have had her for a mother but today I can't even begin to articulate it. 

Gail Ann Murchison Beck

8/21/43-4/1/21

~~~~~

All that I am or ever hope to be,

I owe to my angel mother.

~Abraham Lincoln