Almost Two Months

Seems like the right time for a little check in....to thank you for your caring and support and to let you know that we're doing as well as we can be in dealing with life on its new terms.

I've spent this last month here at Mom's house beginning (or rather, continuing) the process of letting go. She has a puzzle table up in her room and this reminds me of that. It's like she's completed the puzzle of her beautiful life...and now it's up to me to gently and lovingly begin to take it apart. No easy feat. Its been a connector with her, though, and a way I've channeled my grief: to really edit things down to the most meaningful. And Mom's house was nothing if not meaningful! 

The cards and messages we've received have meant so much...as have the many generous contributions to the "Legacy Bench" which will be placed in her honor at the botanical gardens. 

She would be so touched!

Her yard is currently like a botanical garden. She planted the giant "golden chain" tree when it was just tiny. It is really glorious.

The other day, something really moving happened. For the past 32 years (!), Serem, has worked on Mom's yard for her. He's taken care of the big stuff so she could tend to the smaller stuff. They've been a great team and she always appreciated how he'd go above and beyond. He knew her parents and her kids and her grandkids (and many of her family and friends). Anyway, the other evening, I looked out the window and there he was. He had brought two big bouquets of roses and put one in the front yard and one in the back and proceeded to do a very personal Buddhist ritual. He lit a candle and stayed until it burned all the way down. I went out and joined him and we shed some tears and hugged--and it was just so special to me.

And later today, Han arrives for the month of June. So thankful for that. We will work together and begin winding life up here as I prepare for my next chapter, which will be living in Holland. I so wish that I could begin that chapter with Mom here as a home base. But, it is a comfort to feel like with every step I'm taking, Mom would approve. Knowing I'm doing just what she'd want me to do is my guiding light.

❤️❤️❤️

Happy Mother's Day

On this tender Mother's Day, 

I received the best possible gift in the world:

all four kids, Aidan, Isabel, Zack, & Eli with me for the day!

We spent the day here at Mom's/Nana's house.

Even while her physical absence leaves such an indescribable ache,

her loving energy is here....

allowing us to laugh and walk the dogs, and make her famous tostados--

knowing it's exactly how she'd want it to be.

Reading through the cards and keepsakes she saved from each of us,

her presence, devotion and caring shine through.

I'm so glad I told her (in more than one card)

that she has always been the "wind beneath my wings".

Nothing has changed in that regard.

We carry your heart with us. We carry it in our hearts.

My first photo with Mom.

❤️

Life, Continued.....

After four weeks away, I've arrived back to Mom's. It was a very unique trip this time: taking in all the beauty (and new life!) of Spring in Holland and at the same time, trying to wrap my mind around our new reality. I'm still having a hard time articulating the complex array of emotions bubbling up during this unprecedented time. Words just aren't enough sometimes, are they? 

So, for now, here are some photos.

The Mill standing in "grief".

Tulips in bloom- about a mile from the Mill.

And hyacinths, too.

We visited the Zaan Schans a couple times (about 25 minutes from Han's) to pick up some paint at this mill that grinds its own paint pigment! This can be really crowded with tourists normally so it was a treat to go with things so quiet.

Babies everywhere

Even from the livingroom window!

I was glad to be there to celebrate Han on his 55th Birthday!🎈

Beautiful sunset from the second floor of the Mill looking towards town:

On my last day, we started "Mom's Garden"...with plants gifted from Han's parents and a special cherry tree from his sister and family. I know Mom would love this. Also, Mom would enjoy the chickens being there and so interested. She raised this same friendly breed for many years. 

What a coincidence!

Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,

As close to us as we are to ourselves.

~

Let us not look for you only in memory,

Where we would grow lonely without you.

You would want us to find you in presence,

Beside us when beauty brightens,

When kindness glows

And music echoes eternal tones.

~John O'Donohue

Mom wearing a favorite t-shirt (1975)

Another flashback: Mom & Isabel and her happy chickens! (2010)

~~~~

Thankful for the gift of this time.

Now, Eric and I will tend to the practical, the best we can. 

Han will be joining me here at the end of the month which will be a comfort (and big help!).

 That's about as far as we can see, right now. 

Thanks so much for the cards and messages of caring support. 

It truly means so much to us all.

Following Up

Thanks to all of you who have reached out with your love and support. I know you share in our grief and the rollercoaster of emotions that are coming up. 

I ended up flying to Holland on Sunday, the place I can feel most comforted during this tender time. My brother Eric's son, Riley, is taking good care of Nana's house and the animals while I am away for the month, giving me the chance to begin to process the profound before tackling the practical.

Eric did a wonderful job writing Mom's obituary, which is such an incredible task. There is no way to sum up her beautiful, rich life in a few paragraphs, but he captured so much.

https://www.flintofts.com/obituaries/Gail-Ann-Beck?obId=20653226#/celebrationWall

In my heart, she is there, as always.

It still doesn't feel real....no matter how much time we've had to prepare.

 

We are thinking at this point that it would be meaningful to celebrate her life on her birthday: August 21st. We're not sure of anything else but we hope you can save that date. We know there will be so many stories to tell and hugs to share. It is a great gift to have a mom who is so beloved. We feel that spilling over onto us and we appreciate it more than you can know.

❤️

Heartache and Gratitude

It is with relief that she is no longer suffering and with heartbreak at how much we will miss her, that I have to share our world altering news: Mom died peacefully, at home, last night.

We would give anything for her to have years left to share with us but since that wasn't in the cards we were dealt, we are so grateful that she was able to die in the way she had hoped: quickly and peacefully in her own bed surrounded with love. With an incredible hospice team supporting us, Eric and I were able to be beside her holding her hands till the end. She was able to say a special goodbye to each of her beloved grandchildren and it was a great comfort to her, to feel like she had left no stone unturned in her affection for each of her many dear friends and family members.

This last 18 months since her diagnosis has been both beautiful and brutal. She made it look a lot easier than it was. The nurse shared that most people dealing with as much pain and medication as Mom would be nowhere near as active as she's been, especially these last months. She didn't want me to say how brave and strong she was on previous blogposts....but now I get to: she was incredibly, unbelievably brave and strong!!! She lived life to the very fullest for as long as she possibly could.

While we feel such relief that she is at peace, to wake up in a world without her feels utterly disorientating. I know we are not alone in feeling this way and we also know that we will not be alone as we learn to live with these waves of grief.

We talked with her about it and she loved the idea of a "celebration of life" in the summertime. I can only imagine how meaningful it will be to celebrate and connect over our common bond of love for her. 

I will share more soon...there's so much more I want to say about how lucky I am to have had her for a mother but today I can't even begin to articulate it. 

Gail Ann Murchison Beck

8/21/43-4/1/21

~~~~~

All that I am or ever hope to be,

I owe to my angel mother.

~Abraham Lincoln

Six Month Check

A quick update to share that I had my six month post chemo follow up today and everything continues to look great. Words can't express my sense of relief. I've been reflecting on the fact that it was almost a year ago exactly that I was first diagnosed. Incredible!

What an intense month it has been: with my mom going on hospice and this appointment looming. Hearing this good news today helps so much...as does the fact that Mom's pain is currently under control (thanks to her radiation treatment and finding the right balance with her medications). 

A couple weeks ago, I took a lil' time away to return to Vashon Island. 

The hope of Spring's arrival also did my spirit good!

My hair continues to grow in. It's amazing that it takes six months to grow to this point when starting from scratch. It feels like it's starting to speed up lately. I never thought I'd feel so grateful for HAIR. 

I have a ticket to fly to Han at the end of the month. Mom is my biggest cheerleader to stick with these plans. I can't wait AND it's hard to think of leaving, all at the same time. But we all feel it's important to keep making plans. I know when I do go, it will be a good opportunity for Mom & Eric (and his family) to spend special time together, too. It's nice that we can be flexible and continue to take things as they come.

Till next time...

❤️

A Great Start to the New Year

We started the year off right with a visit from Isabel.

 I can't believe she is going to be 17 this weekend!

Aidan and Eli have continued to join us for Sunday dinners as they have all year. 

We really treasure this time together.

Han arrived soon after. 

Both visits added so much sunshine to life around here.

It was so nice for him to be able to spend a few weeks here....really getting a feeling for life in this area and for this side of his (new) family, friends, and pets!

We took a couple mini-trips while he was here. The first was to Vashon Island, only an hour from home, including the ferry ride. We stayed in a tiny lil' cabin that was so "gezellig"!

 

The cabin was in the woods but just a short drive to the beach. We really lucked out with the weather.

Our second trip was up to Bellingham (about 90 minutes north of us). We stayed in a very tiny house (only 121 square feet) but it was like being in a nest up in the trees with the birds.

And it had a hot tub! Since we were so close to Eli, he was able to come over and enjoy it with us.

We had a beautiful time and on the way home, 

we saw dozens of eagles!

Between trips, Han even fit in some American style golf. He loved it!

The three weeks went by so fast, 

as we knew they would.

Now he is safely home. 

He came home to neighbors ice skating next to his Mill!

The day after he left,  I drove Mom to the first of her five radiation treatments. I also had a follow up X-ray on my arm, with reassuring results. I'm hoping to travel his way for the month of April but at this point, we're just taking things as they come. In these crazy times, it continues to be impossible to see too far ahead. As I've shared with many, sometimes, it feels like driving on a foggy night and all we can see is what the headlights show directly in front of us. This whole last year has felt that way. 

The fog is especially thick right now.

But, I know bit by bit, the road will continue to light up as we go. And I'm thankful for this special time we shared, starting 2021 off in such a beautiful way.❤️